Secrets in Wine Labels

The problem with reading wine labels is not just the dense language, strange words and esoteric descriptions, it’s that the label isn’t meant for you.

Labels are first and foremost for the government. Specifically the BATF at the federal level and the state ABC and local boards. There are literally thousands of government regulations from what picture you can have to what size type you have to use.

My brother once had a wine banned in Alabama because of the label. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to the brand. Put “Banned in Alabama” on a label and you can’t keep the stuff in stock.

First, the regulations are not because the government likes you and has a deep interest in your wine skills. They are there to make sure they collect the taxes.

The regulations were originally passed to prevent sin. They are called “sin taxes” and they date from prohibition. Alcohol, cigarette and firearms are a strange combination for a federal agency until you realize they are there to protect your immortal soul.

So the government decided if they couldn’t prohibit them, they would tax them to death. But alas, Americans paid the prices and just kept on sinning.

Secondly they are there to sell wine to you. But what about a label sells wine and what doesn’t?

If you know the answer to that you should be in the wine business. You can get rich. Wines are like movies, you can do everything right and still fail. Even the most successful wineries in the world release wines with labels that don’t sell.

The most successful label I was ever around had a 47 lb chicken on the front. Well, a picture of a 47 lb chicken actually. My brother Bill developed it for Hahn Winery in Paso Robles, California and it was eventually sold for a reported $14 million. I didn’t report that but the media did.

The 47 lb chicken, rooster actually, was hauled around in an old wagon by a traveling circus in Texas. It was a very big hit. The circus poster was the label. The Rooster’s name was Rex Goliath.

The last time I checked it didn’t even have a vintage year which is what most people think is the most important thing. Vintage is irrelevant to a wine blended from several different years but the point is it didn’t sell because it was a great year.

Do you want to know why it sold so well?

First the wine was good for the price. People who tried it came back and bought it again.

If it wasn’t, no amount of marketing could fix it. It needed no aging. You could drink it right now. It was just fine in paper cups.

Second, do you have any idea how many people collect chickens?

Not live chickens—porcelain, metal, windmills, drawings, paintings, aprons—-and lots more. They even have chicken collecting clubs. There are millions of them. Really. It became a collector’s item. Collecting the label, not the wine.

Third, it was easy to remember.

It provided the opportunity for endless obvious jokes, especially among younger males. You tell your friends and neighbors to buy the wine with a 47 lb cock on it and general merriment ensues. For the more modest, just tell them to buy the chicken wine.

Fourth, it actually got accepted by the wine distributors and retailers.

Most wines—like 90%— don’t. But it was different and it was really easy to spot on the shelf. It was also easy to remember. It was also there on the shelf when you went to buy wine. Most wines aren’t on the shelf because most wines aren’t in the distributor or retailer.

Wine distributors and retailers can’t possibly carry 100,000 different kinds of wine. So you have to stand out. if you don’t, you’ll never get seen by 99% of the people who buy wines.

There were other reasons too, but that’s enough to give you the idea.

Now then, did any of that stuff have to do with grapes, vintage years, or premium hillside vineyards? Why no, it did not.

Clearly, you can sell more wine with a chicken than you can with a grape.

Let the buyer beware.

Note: I am not recommending this wine because I don’t know what it tastes like these days. This label belongs to Constellation Brands now and I am not associated with it in any way. I no longer know what quality is in the bottle.